


8.07 Affinity

by Nialla



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Other, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-03-25
Updated: 2006-03-25
Packaged: 2019-02-02 17:04:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12730698
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nialla/pseuds/Nialla
Summary: A parody of Affinity, with audience participation.





	8.07 Affinity

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the archivists: this story was originally archived at [The Alpha Gate](https://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Alpha_Gate), a Stargate SG-1 archive, which began migration to the AO3 in 2017 when its hosting software, eFiction, was no longer receiving support. To preserve the archive, we began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2017. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are this creator and it hasn't transferred to your AO3 account, please contact us using the e-mail address on [The Alpha Gate collection profile](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/thealphagate).

  
Author's notes: Thanks to Christi for beta reading. Dedicated to all the posters who've discussed this ep on Alpha Gate and Our Stargate, so don't be surprised if a few of the observations seem *very* familiar.  


* * *

EXT. COLORADO SPRINGS, RESIDENTIAL AREA

[A SLICE OF AMERICANA ENSUES, THEN WE SEE A CAR CRASH. THE OCCUPANTS OF THE CARS GET INTO AN ARGUMENT OVER THE ACCIDENT -- THE SECOND DRIVER CLAIMS THE FIRST DIDN'T SIGNAL, WHILE THE FIRST SAYS THE SECOND WAS TAILGATING.]

AUDIENCE: [looking for remote] Damn, must have landed on the wrong channel again, this isn't Stargate.

[THE SECOND DRIVER IS ABOUT TO TAKE A SWING AT THE FIRST, BUT TEAL'C GRABS HIS ARM.]

TEAL'C: This is unlawful behavior.

FASHION POLICE: Oh. My. God.

TEAL'C FANS: [Hums the theme from "Shaft."]

AUDIENCE: Oh, crap. This *is* Stargate. Well, at least a show by that name, since we rarely see the gate anymore.

STARGATE: I miss you all *so* much!

[TEAL'C TELLS THE SECOND DRIVER THE FIRST DID SIGNAL, SO HE'S THE ONE AT FAULT FOR TAILGATING.]

SECOND DRIVER: Pal, you'd better learn to mind your own damn business.

TEAL'C FANS: Pal, you'd better learn not to say such things.

[FIGHT ENSUES, TEAL'C HEAD BUTTS THE DRIVER, THEN TAKES ON HIS FRIENDS WHEN THEY ATTACK HIM.]

TEAL'C (TO FIRST DRIVER): I believe it will now be necessary to notify the police.

AUDIENCE: While you're at it, Teal'c, could you file a missing person report on a Stargate? Cool ring thing, flushes sideways? It's been missing for a lot longer than forty-eight hours, and we're pretty sure it disappeared under duress.

SILER'S WRENCH: I know *nothing* about it, you can't prove a thing.

GIZMO SHIPPERS: Suuuuuuuuuuure.

OPENING CREDITS

INT. JACK'S OFFICE

[CHEVRON GUY ANNOUNCES THAT COLONEL KENDRICK FROM THE OFFICE OF SPECIAL INVESTIGATIONS HAS ARRIVED TO SEE JACK.]

KENDRICK: You wouldn't return my phone calls. Sir.

SLASHERS: Old boyfriend?

J/D SLASHERS AND S/J SHIPPERS: Jack has much better taste.

NOROMOS: [wide-eyed] Mommy? Did the world stop spinning?

JACK: I was busy... didn't think it was important? Take your pick.

SLASHERS: You were washing your hair...

[KENDRICK COMPLAINS THE PROVISIONS FOR LETTING TEAL'C LIVE OFF BASE HAVE BEEN VIOLATED.]

JACK: Oh, don't be so dramatic, Dick, it'll give you gas.

SG-1 PRODUCTION CREW: And there's quite enough of that around here, thanks.

NOROMOS: He'd look just like you do when you're the recipient of the Doe Eyes of Death from Sam.

SNIT: [snicker]

[JACK SAYS HE'LL LOOK INTO THE PROBLEM.]

AUDIENCE: Would that be the verbal equivalent of File 13? The Round File? 

INT. TEAL'C'S APARTMENT

[DANIEL DROPS IN FOR A VISIT.]

DANIEL: Wow! I like what you're doing with the place. Sort of... Jaffa chic with an East African flair.

TEAL'C: I have discovered there are many programs on television which offer advice in the area of home design and decoration.

SLASHERS: Oh, *please* tell us he's watching Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.

DANIEL: Yeah, I'm a little more into the History Channel myself.

FANFIC WRITERS: Canon!

[DANIEL ASKS ABOUT THE FERN.]

SLASHERS: A love fern? Are they handing us this stuff on a platter?

WRITERS: No, especially since we don't even know what your platter *is*.

[TEAL'C ASKS WHY DANIEL IS THERE.]

DANIEL: A guy just can't come by and visit his friend?

SLASHERS: Yeah, frrrrrriiiieeeeeends. Yeah, sure.

TEAL'C/ISHTA SHIPPERS: Best friends, at that. He'll be the Best Man at the wedding.

DANIEL FANS: Does it involve wearing Jaffa robes and/or getting sweaty dancing?

[TEAL'C RAISES AN EYEBROW.]

DANIEL: Yep, heard what happened the other day. Three KO's, first round.

TEAL'C: O'Neill sent you to speak with me.

AUDIENCE: No, Daniel's out for a breath of fresh air. Something about gas on-base.

DANIEL: No... yeah.

[TEAL'C INSISTS HE BROKE NO LAW, BUT INTERVENED TO PREVENT A CRIME. DANIEL TELLS HIM HE NEEDS TO KEEP A LOW PROFILE, AND THIS ISN'T THE FIRST TIME HE'S "HELPED" OTHERS. EVEN THOUGH TEAL'C IS COMING TO THE AID OF OTHERS, UNFORTUNATELY, THAT'S NOT EXACTLY NORMAL FOR MOST TAU'RI, AND THAT'S DRAWING ATTENTION TO HIM. THERE'S A KNOCK ON THE DOOR. A YOUNG NEIGHBOR, KRISTA, HAS BROUGHT HIM SOME COOKIES.]

AUDIENCE: What is she, a Girl Scout? She looks young enough.

MALE MEMBERS OF THE AUDIENCE: If so, we're really grooving over the new uniform.

FEMALE MEMBERS OF THE AUDIENCE: [throws popcorn]

MALE MEMBERS OF THE AUDIENCE: What did we do? It's not like you don't get lots of that "Arm Porn" you go on about.

[TEAL'C INTRODUCES DANIEL TO KRISTA. TEAL'C'S COVER STORY IS THAT DANIEL IS THE ARCHAEOLOGIST WHO HIRED TEAL'C TO COME OVER FROM MOZAMBIQUE.]

CITIZENS OF CHULAK: Mozambique? Where the hell is Mozambique?

[KRISTA ADMITS THE COOKIES WERE A BRIBE, SHE NEEDS TEAL'C TO LOOK AT HER PIPES AGAIN.]

AUDIENCE: Look at her pipes? Are they still calling it that?

[TEAL'C TRIES TO BOW OUT OF HELPING, BUT DANIEL ENCOURAGES HIM, SAYING EVERY RULE HAS AN EXCEPTION.]

TRI-SMUTTERS: Daniel and Jack must want some "alone time" tonight.

EXT. PARK

[SAM AND PETE BUY FOOD FROM A VENDOR.]

FASHION POLICE: Awwww, she's so pretty in pink!

PETE: So, how are things in the galaxy?

AUDIENCE: How would she know? It's not like she gets out there all that much now.

STARGATE: [sniff]

SAM: You know I can't talk about work.

PETE: Sorry. I'm still getting used to the fact that my girlfriend's a superhero.

SNIT: [gag]

S/J SHIPPERS: That's "national treasure" to you, Stalker Boy.

SAM: A bit of an exaggeration.

SNIT: Oh, just a *bit*.

PETE: The superhero part? Or the girlfriend part?

SNIT: We hate to say, we think it's neither.

S/P SHIPPERS: Shhh! We're enjoying the hell out of this.

PETE: You travel to other planets to do battle with alien creatures bent on galactic domination. Just because you don't wear a tight spandex outfit doesn't mean that you're not... although... it's an idea you might want to consider.

S/P SHIPPERS: Naughty boy!

S/J SHIPPERS: He's clearly a security risk. Where's the NID when you really need them?

[THEY SIT DOWN ON A BENCH. SAM SAYS SHE KNOWS IT'S HARD ON HIM, AND THAT ANY OTHER GUY WOULD HAVE FREAKED AND RUN.]

SNIT: At least they would have survived the curse of Black Widow Sam.

S/P SHIPPERS: Pete has!

SNIT: Is the show over yet?

S/P SHIPPERS: [worry]

PETE: You didn't run away when I stalked you. Anyway, I just want you to appreciate the position I'm in here.

S/J SHIPPERS: He admits he's a stalker!

S/P SHIPPERS: Get. Over. It.

SAM: I do, believe me, and I'm really glad you stuck around.

PETE: I'm glad to hear you say that, because I put in for a transfer to Colorado Springs PD.

S/P SHIPPERS: Squee!

AUDIENCE: Um, transfer? That's not how it works. He'd have to apply for a job, and quit his old one in Denver.

WRITERS: Details, silly details!

AUDIENCE: Yeah, like no zoo in Colorado Springs, even though it's the *Cheyenne Mountain* Zoo.

[SAM KISSES PETE, AND ASKS IF HE'S SURE.]

PETE: I've never been more sure of anything in my entire life. That's why I got you this.

[PETE GETS OUT A RING BOX, WITH AN ENGAGEMENT RING INSIDE.]

S/P SHIPPERS: [on the floor]

SAM: Oh my god.

S/P SHIPPERS: [from the floor] You can say that again.

S/J SHIPPERS: We are, just not for the same reasons.

NOROMOS: Snacks?

SLASHERS: We hear the nachos are good tonight.

SNIT: And beer. Lots of beer.

EXT. STREET

[TEAL'C AND KRISTA ARE WALKING HOME WITH THEIR GROCERIES. SHE APOLOGIZES FOR ASKING HIM TO FIX HER PIPES, BUT SHE'S MAKING LASAGNA TO MAKE IT UP TO HIM. A YOUNG BOY NAMED ERIC APPROACHES, CONGRATULATING TEAL'C ON TAKING OUT THE THREE GUYS A FEW DAYS AGO.]

SLASHERS: Three guys? We didn't realize Teal'c's such a Ho.

NOROMOS: Not *that* kind of taking out, he means he knocked them out in a fight.

SLASHERS: Oh. [disappointed]

[A WOMAN HAS PLACED HER BAG ON TOP OF HER CAR, AND A MAN SNATCHES IT, AND RUNS INTO KRISTA, KNOCKING HER GROCERIES TO THE GROUND.]

ERIC: Aren't you gonna do anything?

TEAL'C: I must not intervene.

ERIC: What? You just gonna let him get away?

[TEAL'C PICKS UP A FALLEN AVOCADO FROM KRISTA'S GROCERIES, THROWS IT, AND KNOCKS THE THIEF OUT.]

SNACKSTERS: Hey! That could have been guacamole!

COOKS IN THE AUDIENCE: It would have needed several days in a paper bag to be usable anyway. Knocked the guy right out and no mess.

ERIC: You the man, T.

TEAL'C FANS: He *is* da man.

[MEANWHILE, SOMEONE IS TAKING PICTURES OF TEAL'C.]

NOROMOS: See, now *that* is a stalker.

S/J SHIPPERS: [thpth]

TEAL'C FANS: Anyone have the address for the Props Department? We want copies!

SLASHERS: Don't hold your breath. We've offered cash money. No takers.

INT. TEAL'C'S APARTMENT, NIGHT

[TEAL'C HAS BOUGHT OUT THE CANDLE STORE AGAIN. HE HEARS A MAN BANGING AT KRISTA'S DOOR, DEMANDING TO BE LET IN.]

NOROMOS: And yet *another* stalker.

[TEAL'C GOES OUT INTO THE HALLWAY, WHERE KRISTA IS TRYING TO POLITELY TELL HER BOYFRIEND TO LEAVE HER THE FUCK ALONE.]

TEAL'C: Is there a problem?

DOUG: This is a private conversation.

TEAL'C: If it were private, you would not be conducting it in the hallway, nor speaking so loudly.

AUDIENCE: Ooooh, score one for Teal'c.

DOUG: Who the hell is this guy?

KRISTA: His name is Teal'c. He's my neighbor.

DOUG: Teal'c? What kind of a crazy name is that?

CITIZENS OF CHULAK: [looking up from atlas] Mozambique-ean, we guess.

TEAL'C FANS: Come closer, Dougie, then ask us that question again.

[DOUG FINALLY GIVES UP AND GOES HOME, SAYING HE'LL CALL HER TOMORROW.]

AUDIENCE: We're sure she'll be waiting by the phone.

INT. DANIEL'S LAB

[TEAL'C, DANIEL AND SAM ARE DISCUSSING KRISTA'S BEHAVIOR WITH DOUG, WHICH TEAL'C DOESN'T UNDERSTAND.]

DANIEL: Yeah, it's a common problem. Most cultures on Earth recognize that there's a significant gap between the experiences of men and women. Among the Masai of East Africa, each newly wed man is required to wear his wife's clothing for a month, as a way of gaining insight into her life.

DANIEL FANS: Daniel's going anthrogeeky! Whee!

SAM: If only it were that simple.

NOROMOS: Oh, no. Here we go again. We'll be in the car.

DANIEL: The point is, while rituals and customs may vary, almost all cultures put significant pressure on single adults to form bonding pairs. In ancient Persia, if a girl died a virgin, they would go so far as to marry her corpse off before burial.

SAM: That's horrible.

DANIEL: The groom was usually quite well paid.

NECROPHILIACS: [perk] Where do we sign up?

AUDIENCE: [backs away, not at all slowly]

SAM: It's bad enough being on your own without every TV show and commercial and magazine ad trying to tell you how abnormal it is.

DANIEL: I think that's what I just said.

NOROMOS: [have so many words to say, they begin sputtering]

SNIT: We think we can cover for you. How about *this* TV show reducing the strong female lead into an emotional fucktard by constantly making the Doe Eyes of Death at her boss while dating someone else and generally being unprofessional?

NOROMOS: That, uh... well, that pretty much covers it.

SAM: They make you afraid of being alone but at the same time tell you not to settle for anything less than the perfect romantic ideal, like that actually exists anywhere in the real world. Either way you can't win!

SNIT: Can this woman *please* grow the fuck up?

SMUTTERS: Yeah, it's all illegal unless consenting *adults* are involved.

[SAM SIGHS, DANIEL AND TEAL'C SHARE A RAISED EYEBROWS LOOK.]

DANIEL (TO SAM): How's things?

SNIT: [eye roll]

SAM: Good. We were talking about Teal'c's friend, right?

SNIT: Sam's off in her own little world, isn't she? It's All About Her.

DANIEL: I thought we were.

AUDIENCE: And *we* thought this was a sci fi show, not a soap opera.

SAM: Teal'c, how do Jaffa couples handle their problems?

NOROMOS: We're *sure* a Jaffa marriage counselor would help Sam a lot. [eye roll]

TEAL'C: On Chulak, a dispute between a man and a woman that cannot be resolved necessitates a pledge break. It must be requested by one and granted by the other.

PBS VIEWERS: GAK! Not a pledge break!

AUDIENCE: [administers therapeutic slap upside the head]

DANIEL: And if that doesn't work?

TEAL'C: A weapon is required.

SLASHERS: We can get behind that!

TEAL'C FANS: And once again, Teal'c is Da Man.

EXT. PARK, DAY

[TEAL'C IS PRACTICING HIS JAFFA TAI'CHI, WHEN KRISTA ARRIVES ON THE SCENE. SHE TELLS HIM SHE TOLD DOUG IT'S OVER. SHE ASKS WHAT HE'S DOING, AND TEAL'C BEGINS TO SHOW HER THE BASICS. WE GET A PROGRESSION OF SCENES OF THEM WORKING OUT OVER SEVERAL DAYS.]

AUDIENCE: Is this supposed to show their growing attraction even though Teal'c is already involved with someone else?

TEAL'C/ISHTA SHIPPERS: Damn well better not be. [sharpening knives]

AUDIENCE: And we're really sure University of Ontario shirts are super popular with residents of Colorado Springs who barely look old enough to drive, much less attend a college.

INT. BUILDING HALLWAY

[TEAL'C KNOCKS ON KRISTA'S DOOR. HE SAYS SHE'S LATE FOR HER NEXT TRAINING SESSION. KRISTA SAYS SHE'S NOT GOING TO BE ABLE TO TRAIN ANYMORE. TEAL'C ASKS HER WHY, AND HE NOTICES BRUISES ON HER WRIST. DOUG THE IDIOT BOYFRIEND SHOWS UP BEHIND HER, AND SAYS HE'LL HANDLE TEAL'C.]

TEAL'C FANS: You and what army, pipsqueak?

TEAL'C: Are you the one who injured her?

DOUG: What goes on between me and Krista, it ain't none of your business.

TEAL'C: If you ever injure her again, I will kill you where you stand.

TEAL'C FANS: Dead man walking!

CITIZENS OF CHULAK: Eh, maybe not. The man's gone soft, living on the Taur'i home world. On Chulak, the insect would not have survived their first encounter.

INT. SAM'S LAB

[SAM'S WORKING AT HER COMPUTER WHEN JACK ENTERS.]

NOROMOS: We're still in the car.

SLASHERS: Were getting more snacks.

AUDIENCE: So many of use are *so* going to have to go on a diet before this season is over.

JACK: I never thought I'd hear myself utter these words...

S/J SHIPPERS: [holding breath]

JACK: I need that report.

S/J SHIPPERS: [have turned blue and passed out]

PEOPLE WHO HAVE TO CLEAN UP THE AUDITORIUM: Damnit, they're drooling. The drool is *so* damned hard to clean up.

SHALLOW VIEWERS: Um. Sorry.

SAM: Uh... yeah, I'll have it for you first thing tomorrow.

JACK: It is tomorrow.

SAM: Oh.

JACK: I'm joking, I don't need the report.

SAM: Well then, why...

S/J SHIPPERS: He just had to see you!

JACK: Because something's going on with you. You haven't tried to confuse me with any scientific babble for the last couple of days and that's a red flag to me.

NOROMOS: No Doe Eyes of Death either.

AUDIENCE: If Jack the Wonder Clown noticed, Carter must really be off her game. What's it called when personal feelings interfere with one's work?

NOROMOS: Violation of regs? Court martial offense? Really, really tiresome? 

[SAM GIVES THE RING BOX TO JACK.]

S/J: She proposed!

NOROMOS: Get. Real.

SAM: Pete gave me this.

[JACK TAKES A LOOK IN THE BOX.]

JACK: People normally wear these on their fingers.

SAM: I haven't said yes.

JACK: And yet, you haven't said no.

NOROMOS: And yet, Jack doesn't seem to care.

SAM: I told him I needed to think about it.

JACK: And?

SAM: That was two weeks ago.

JACK: Ah!

SAM: You know, all these years I've been concentrating on work I just assumed that one day I would...

S/J SHIPPERS: Marry Jack and have tons of babies?

JACK: Have a life?

S/J SHIPPERS: The two are not mutually exclusive.

SAM: Yeah. And now it comes down to it, I don't know. I mean, every time we go through the gate we risk not coming back. Is it fair to put somebody else through that?

JACK: Pete *is* a cop. I think he could handle it.

SAM: What about kids?

JACK: What about 'em?

SAM: Do I take maternity leave and then come back? Do I drop the baby off at daycare on my way to some unexplored planet on the edge of the Crab Nebula?

JACK: Carter, there are people on this base who have families.

AUDIENCE: Teal'c has a son. Daniel has a stepson. Colonel Dixon has four kids. Wells has a child too.

JANET FANS: Named Janet!

SAM: What about you? If things had been different...

WRITERS: Cue the shippy music!

S/J SHIPPERS: Yes, please!

NOROMOS: Pass out the earplugs!

SNIT: And the airsick bags!

JACK: I wouldn't be here.

AUDIENCE MEMBERS WHO REMEMBERS THE MOVIE: He almost committed suicide after the death of his son. Nice job bringing that up.

NOROMOS: If things *had* been different, he'd still be married to his wife, and there'd be no ship. [sigh]

S/J SHIPPERS: Or, he'd be retired and washing Sam's socks already. Enough time wasted on this saving the world crap! Let's get on with the boffing like bunnies!

SLASHERS: [back from snack bar] Bunnneeeez. We like plot bunnies!

INT. BUILDING HALLWAY

[TEAL'C ARRIVES TO FIND KRISTA SITTING ON THE FLOOR IN FRONT OF HIS DOOR. SHE GETS A BIT WEEPY, TELLING HIM IT'S OVER WITH DOUG FOR REAL. SHE WANTS TO GET AWAY, AND WANTS TEAL'C TO GO WITH HER.]

AUDIENCE: Uh, get away? From what? The memories? A jail sentence? 

WRITERS: We have created suspense! Not as much fun as blowing shit up, but the budget was a little short this week.

INT. DANIEL'S LAB

[DANIEL'S WORKING WHEN SAM ENTERS.]

SAM: General O'Neill just got off the phone with Colonel Kendrick. Krista's boyfriend was found dead in her apartment.

DANIEL: What? What happened?

SAM: We don't have all the details yet, but according to Kendrick, preliminary evidence indicates that Teal'c may have been responsible.

DANIEL: That's impossible.

CITIZENS OF CHULAK: [eyeroll] The boy knows us not at all.

SAM: That's what I said. Unfortunately, we can't ask him about it because he's missing. So's Krista. As of right now, Teal'c is wanted for kidnapping and murder.

AUDIENCE: Da da duhhhn.

INT. VEHICLE, NIGHT

[TEAL'C AND KRISTA ARE DRIVING WHEREVER, AND TEAL'C THINKS SOMEONE, MAYBE DOUG, IS FOLLOWING THEM.]

KRISTA: No.

AUDIENCE: That answer doesn't bode well, does it?

KRISTA: He doesn't know I'm gone yet.

AUDIENCE: Kind of difficult when he's dead on your floor, isn't it?

TEAL'C: Then they are most likely following me.

KRISTA: You? Why would anyone be following you?

TEAL'C: It is difficult to explain.

KRISTA: Can you lose them?

TEAL'C: I believe so. However, it will require me to violate posted speed limits and several safe driving regulations.

KRISTA: I'm okay with that.

SMUTTERS: She looks OK with a lot of things involving Teal'c. 

TEAL'C/ISHTA SHIPPERS: h0r!

INT. MOTEL ROOM, NIGHT

[TEAL'C AND KRISTA ENTER THE ROOM.]

KRISTA: What are you? A spy or something? One thing's for sure, you're not really Doctor Jackson's research assistant. That much I figured after about thirty seconds.

AUDIENCE: As long as that, huh? Not bad for a teenager.

TEAL'C: Krista, I...

[SHE PLACES HER FINGER ON HIS LIPS TO STOP HIM FROM SPEAKING.]

KRISTA: It's okay. For now, I'm just glad you're here.

[KISS]

TEAL'C/ISHTA SHIPPERS: We're not sure which one will be first, but they will, at a minimum, suffer extreme pain. [sharpening of more knives]

BDSMers: Uh, safew...?

TEAL'C/ISHTA SHIPPERS: [glare]

BDSMers: [blanch] Oh, *that* kind of pain.

NON-CON FANS: [perk]

EXT. SAM'S CAR, DAY

[PETE GETS INTO SAM'S CAR.]

SAM: Pete, I'm sorry.

S/P SHIPPERS: Noooooooooo!

S/J SHIPPERS: Yeeeeeeeees!

SAM: I need a little more time. Look, you know how I feel about you, it's just... there's some things I need to work out.

SNIT: Like that whole lusting after your boss stuff? Oh, and she hasn't arranged childcare yet, either.

[SAM EXPLAINS SHE WOULDN'T ASK IF IT WASN'T SO IMPORTANT, BUT SHE NEEDS HIS HELP.]

NOROMOS: What is this? Fan service? We're feeling a little light-headed.

SNIT: Ms. National Treasure asked for help? You're not the only ones. The air is a might thin.

INT. MOTEL ROOM

[TEAL'C WAKES UP IN BED ALONE.]

TEAL'C/ISHTA SHIPPERS: Damn right.

TEAL'C: Krista?

TEAL'C/ISHTA SHIPPERS: [fume]

[TEAL'C GETS UP TO CHECK THE BATHROOM, AND THERE'S A KNOCK AT THE DOOR. TEAL'C OPENS IT AND IS FACED WITH ARMED POLICEMEN WHO ARE APPARENTLY ARRESTING HIM.]

AUDIENCE: We *knew* that chick was underage.

TEAL'C FANS: [gloating] They'd better have brought backup. Lots of backup. Teal'c isn't going anywhere Teal'c doesn't want to go.

INT. SGC CORRIDOR

[JACK IS TELLING KENDRICK THAT TEAL'C IS IN HIS OLD QUARTERS.]

KENDRICK: Is he at least under guard?

JACK: He's not going anywhere.

KENDRICK: He's a murder suspect.

J/T SLASHERS AND FRIENDSHIPPERS: But Jack knows that Teal'c would never commit murder. Well, except maybe that whole Tanith thing, but it was justified. He needed killing.

PETER WINGFIELD FANS: But he's too pretty to die!

HIGHLANDER FANS: Word.

CROSSOVER FANS: Listen, just because the ship blows up, does that mean his head came away from his body? Methos could reconstitute; we're sure of it. And with a symbiote helping? Unstoppable.

HIGHLANDER FANS: But there can be only one! Who'd have the prize, Methos or the symbiote?

AUDIENCE: [fires tranq darts] OK, back to *this* show.

INT. JACK'S OFFICE

[JACK AND KENDRICK CONTINUE THEIR CONVERSATION AS THEY ENTER. TEAL'C'S WORD IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR JACK, BUT NOT FOR KENDRICK. JACK SAYS TEAL'C THOUGHT HE WAS BEING FOLLOWED, BUT KENDRICK SAYS THEY DIDN'T HAVE HIM UNDER SURVEILLANCE.]

JACK: Yeah. How did you find him?

KENDRICK: We received a tip.

JACK: That didn't strike you as... odd?

AUDIENCE: If he's been watching the show recently, no. Shortcuts in storytelling is all the rage.

WRITERS: We prefer to think of it as optimizing screen time to reveal only the essentials. 

AUDIENCE: Translation: More shit blow up.

WRITERS: You *can* be taught! Now, if you could start one of those letter writing campaigns to get our budget back...

ATLANTIS FANS: [smug grins] Y'all keep dreaming those sweet dreams. 

AUDIENCE: [reloads tranq darts] We're gonna need more ammo. Lots more.

[KENDRICK SAYS TEAL'C WILL HAVE TO BE PLACED IN CONFINEMENT, OR HE'LL RECOMMEND HE BE HELD ELSEWHERE.]

BDSMERS: And we have some ideas on that...

NON-CON FANS: Oh yes, precious, we does...

INT. DANIEL'S LAB

[DANIEL'S WORKING AT THIS DESK WHEN A SET OF SYMBOLS APPEARS ON HIS COMPUTER SCREEN, FOLLOWED BY A MESSAGE, "LOOK FAMILIAR?"]

DANIEL: What the hell?

AUDIENCE: Ditto.

IM USERS: Wasn't us, honest.

DANIEL FANS: If it was us, we'd be posting, "What are you wearing?"

[THE PHONE RINGS, AND WHEN DANIEL ANSWERS, A DISTORTED VOICE ASKS IF HE GOT THE MESSAGE.]

DANIEL: Who is this?

CALLER: The symbols, Doctor Jackson. Do you recognize them?

DANIEL: I don't know who you think this is...

CALLER: We need it translated into Goa'uld.

DANIEL: I have no idea what you're talking about.

DANIEL FANS: We're not surprised. It's been so rare you get to use your translating skills anymore.

CALLER: We know it's the language of the Ancients, but the dialect is obscure. You're the one man on Earth who can translate them. Your friend Teal'c is in trouble.

DANIEL: How do you know about that?

AUDIENCE: Yeah, how? Does "security" appear in the SGC dictionary anywhere?

CALLER: We can help him. We've been watching him. In fact, we saw the whole thing.

DANIEL: You witnessed the murder?

CALLER: We've got it all on tape. Concrete evidence that proves Teal'c's innocence, and it's yours in exchange for the translation. Of course, if you tell anyone we'll know, and the deal's off.

INT. KRISTA'S APARTMENT

[SAM AND PETE ARE CHECKING OUT THE CRIME SCENE.]

PETE: The investigator who checked the position of the body, concluded that the victim was pinned and choked against this wall, and then fell to the floor.

AUDIENCE: And tonight's homage would be CSI: Colorado Springs? If they do that thing with the bullet through tissue, we're outtie.

SAM: So...?

PETE: So, I'm not so sure. The proximity of the body to the wall supports that, but the position of the body suggests otherwise.

PETE PANS: Oooh, they're tying in his cop job into the Stargate world for a change.

[PETE SAYS IT THE BODY WAS DRAGGED INTO POSITION AFTER DEATH, PROBABLY TO MAKE IT LOOK LIKE SOMEONE BIGGER AND STRONGER KILLED HIM AGAINST THE WALL. SOMEONE LIKE TEAL'C.]

TEAL'C FANS: And Teal'c *is* bigger and stronger. [fans selves]

[PETE ASKS ABOUT TEAL'C THINKING HE WAS BEING FOLLOWED, AND SAM SAYS THE AIR FORCE DENIES DOING IT. PETE LOOKS OUT THE APARTMENT WINDOW, SCOPING OUT A LIKELY PLACE ACROSS THE STREET TO STAKE OUT TEAL'C'S PLACE.]

COP SHOW FANS: [swoon]

SLASHER COP SHOW FANS: Oooh, stake out sex! Oh, wait, nevermind, this would be a het stakeout with Sam and Pete.

S/P SHIPPERS: We've got no problem with that.

S/J SHIPPERS: [fingers in ears] La, la, la, we can't hear you.

INT. ANOTHER APARTMENT

[SAM AND PETE ENTER AND CHECK OUT THE NOW EMPTY APARTMENT. THERE ARE MARKS IN THE CARPET INDICATING A TRIPOD WAS IN USE IN FRONT OF THE WINDOW. PETE DOESN'T THINK THEY'LL FIND ANYTHING HERE, BUT HE KNOWS HOW STAKEOUTS WORK, AND ASKS IF THERE'S A PIZZA PLACE NEARBY.]

AUDIENCE: mmmmmmSnacks.

EXT. PARK

[DANIEL IS WAITING IN THE PARK, AND IS APPROACHED BY A MAN WITH A STYROFOAM COFFEE CUP.]

MAN: Doctor Jackson. Keep walking. You came alone. I'm impressed. I like a man who can follow instructions.

BDSMERS: So do we.

[THE MAN ASKS IF DANIEL'S COMPLETED THE TRANSLATION. DANIEL SAYS HE CAN'T TRANSLATE IT UNLESS HE UNDERSTANDS THE CONTEXT. HE NEEDS TO KNOW WHERE THEY WERE FOUND, WHAT THEY WERE FOR.]

MAN: You think I'm stupid?

AUDIENCE: Oo, oo, oo, can we answer?!

J/D SLASHERS: The man is threatening Daniel! The answer is self-evident.

[THE MAN THINKS DANIEL'S STALLING, AND SAYS HE EITHER DOES THE TRANSLATION NOW, OR THEY'LL HAVE TO DO THINGS THE HARD WAY.]

MAN: We didn't kill the boyfriend. But we'll kill the girl if we have to.

DANIEL: How do I know you even have her?

MAN: Come with me and I'll show you.

DANIEL: Yeah, you know, I got a thing, so...

SLASHERS: We're just sure you do.

[DANIEL TURNS TO LEAVE, AND THE MAN SAYS HE HAS THREE SNIPERS AIMING AT DANIEL, BUT DANIEL THINKS HE'S BLUFFING. THE MAN PUTS HIS COFFEE ON THE BENCH AND ORDERS A SNIPER TO SHOOT IT. A BULLET PIERCES THE CUP.]

DANIEL FANS, CHANNELING SOUTH PARK FANS: Oh my god, you shot coffee! You bastards!

DANIEL: So, we going take your car or mine, or should I just follow you?

DANIEL FANS: The only thing that could truly terrorize Daniel... the death of coffee.

BDSMERS: All that obedience...[eyes glaze ecstatically]

AUDIENCE: Wonderful. Now, *no* coffee is safe.

INT. TEAL'C'S QUARTERS

[SAM TELLS TEAL'C ABOUT CHECKING OUT THE PIZZA PLACES, AND THAT THEY'RE CHECKING OUT A GUY WHO'D BEEN IN A LOT IN THE LAST TWO WEEKS. THEY GOT HIS LICENSE PLATE NUMBER FROM A SECURITY CAMERA AND ARE TRYING TO FIND HIM. JACK ENTERS, SAYING KENDRICK'S FINALLY CONVINCED SOMETHING ELSE IS GOING ON, BECAUSE NOW DANIEL'S MISSING.]

FRIENDSHIPPERS: How sad that someone else had to clue Jack in on this fact.

SLASHERS: Word.

INT. VEHICLE

[DANIEL'S SITTING BETWEEN THE MAN FROM THE PARK AND ANOTHER MAN, IN THE BACK OF THE VAN, HANDCUFFED.]

BDSMERS: Handcuffs? [perk]

H/C FANS: Are they chafing?

DANIEL: So you guys are ex NID? Calling yourselves The Trust now, right?

NOT EXACTLY FANS OF SEASON SIX: Huh?

MAN: We want the same thing you want, Doctor Jackson. We're trying to protect the planet.

DANIEL: That's why you were watching Teal'c. You thought he was a significant threat to planetary security.

MAN: Stargate Command may think it's okay to let an alien roam the streets unsupervised. We beg to differ.

DANIEL: And never mind the fact that he's helped save the Earth more times than I can count.

MAN: He is an alien. Their motives can never be trusted.

AUDIENCE: Oh, like you guys can be trusted?

MAN: Anyway, he is partly responsible for the boyfriend's death. If he hadn't shown the girl how to crush a man's windpipe, none of this would have happened.

AUDIENCE: And so you'd have rather had the idiot kill her instead of her defending herself?

DANIEL: So she killed him?

MAN: It was self-defense really. He was getting out of hand.

DANIEL: And that's when you guys moved in, you planted evidence to make it look like Teal'c did it.

MAN: We saw an opportunity and we took it.

AUDIENCE: And apparently didn't think to stop Krista from leaving the scene and possibly spilling the truth to Teal'c or someone else? How could anyone know for certain she'd run like she did? Or not just call 911?

WRITERS: Um. [...]

TEAL'C/ISHTA SHIPPERS: We got this one. Because she's a lily-livered, spineless, possibly underaged H0R! They never do the honorable thing. [sound of whetstone]

WRITERS: [nervously] Please don't help us.

[THE VAN ARRIVES AT A WAREHOUSE AND PARKS INSIDE. OTHER MEMBERS OF THE TRUST ARE THERE. ONE COMPLAINS ABOUT BRINGING DANIEL IN, BUT THE FIRST ONE SAYS HE WASN'T COOPERATING.]

MAN #2: He's a member of SG-1. Do you have any idea what kind of resources they'll mobilize to get him back?

FRIENDSHIPPERS AND TEAM FANS: Oh, if only, but we think maybe you're overestimating the current state of "affairs."

FANFIC WRITERS: Not in our world.

MAN #1: Once we get the translation, it'll be too late. Bring the girl!

INT. SAM'S LAB

[PETE CALLS SAM AND TELLS HER THE CAR THEY WERE TRACKING DOWN WAS A RENTAL, AND THE NAME AND INFORMATION ON THE RENTAL AGREEMENT IS FOR A MAN WHO DIED SIX MONTHS AGO. SAM SUGGESTS SEEING IF THE CAR COMPANY HAS SATELLITE TRACKING, PETE SAYS HE'LL FIND OUT AND CALL BACK ONCE HE KNOWS SOMETHING.]

CSI FANS: Huh. The lab would've been all over that. Not quite the homage we thought.

INT. WAREHOUSE

[THE LONE FEMALE MEMBER OF THE TRUST GROUP IS WORKING AT A COMPUTER. SHE SAYS AN UPLINK HAS BEEN ESTABLISHED, AND MAN #2 ASKS DANIEL FOR THE TRANSLATION. ANOTHER ONE BRINGS KRISTA INTO THE ROOM AND PUTS HER INTO A CHAIR NEXT TO DANIEL.]

KRISTA: What's happening? Who are these people?

DANIEL: It's going to be okay.

AUDIENCE: You still don't have all your memories back, do you? And you probably missed the show on Ascended TV, eh?

[DANIEL'S GIVEN A PEN AND PAPER, AND TOLD TO DO THE TRANSLATION OR KRISTA WILL BE KILLED.]

DANIEL: She's got nothing to do with this.

MAN #2: Look, Doctor Jackson, if it had been up to me things never would have gone this far. It was supposed to be a simple surveillance operation. But then this little domestic dispute happened. Teal'c got involved. We knew you weren't going to help us voluntarily.

DANIEL: So you decided to try a little blackmail instead.

MAN #2: Let's just say one thing led to another. But in any case, it's too late for all that now.

[HE PULLS OUT A GUN AND POINTS IT AT KRISTA, SAYING HE'LL KILL HER UNLESS DANIEL DOES THE TRANSLATION. DANIEL TAKES THE PEN AND PAPER.]

AUDIENCE: Now would be a good time for a fake translation...

MAN #2: Oh, and by the way? We'll know immediately if the symbols are incorrect.

AUDIENCE: Damn.

TEAL'C/ISHTA SHIPPERS: What's one h0r against planetary security?

DANIEL FANS: Daniel would never sacrifice an innocent...

AUDIENCE: [fires tranq darts, full spread]

[DANIEL FINISHES THE TRANSLATION AND IT'S GIVEN IT TO THE WOMAN AT THE COMPUTER. SHE TRANSMITS THE SYMBOLS SOMEWHERE, AND SAYS THE TRANSLATION IS CONFIRMED. DANIEL AND KRISTA ARE ORDERED TO GET UP AND FACE THE WALL. MEANWHILE SEVERAL TRUCKS WITH ARMED MEN ARRIVE OUTSIDE THE WAREHOUSE.]

DANIEL: Look, you don't have to do this.

EXT. WAREHOUSE

[SAM AND PETE JOIN THE ARMED MEN, WHO'VE PLACED AN EXPLOSIVE CHARGE ON THE DOOR.]

INT. WAREHOUSE

KRISTA (SCARED): Daniel?

DANIEL: It's going to be okay.

AUDIENCE: He's rather cavalier about getting shot, isn't he?

DANIEL FANS: He's getting rather used to it.

H/C FANS: Yes, he is.

[THE MAN ZATS THEM BOTH, WHILE THE WOMAN IS USING A MAGNET TO WIPE THE COMPUTERS. ALL OF THEM GATHER IN A CIRCLE.]

AUDIENCE: Are they going to hold hands and sing Kumbaya or something?

EXT. WAREHOUSE

[THE TEAM SET OFF THE EXPLOSIVES ON THE DOOR AND RUSH INSIDE, BUT NO ONE'S THERE EXCEPT DANIEL AND KRISTA. ONE OFFICER CHECKS ON DANIEL, WHILE PETE CHECKS KRISTA.]

SNIT: And of course Sam doesn't seem to show any overt concern for either of them.

WRITERS: Offscreen. Unimportant stuff is always offscreen.

SNIT: So why is so much of Sam's love life onscreen?

NOROMOS: Preach it!

OFFICER: He's unconscious. There's no one here. We've got all the exits covered, there's no way they could have gotten out.

PETE: How is that possible?

AUDIENCE: Keep watching the show, you'll get the hang of it.

[A BIT LATER, THE EQUIPMENT IS BEING DISMANTLED, WHILE DANIEL AND KRISTA ARE NOW SITTING IN CHAIRS RECOVERING FROM THE ZATTING. SAM AND PETE ARE TALKING NEXT TO A VEHICLE NOT FAR AWAY.]

PETE: So, it's normal for the bad guys to just disappear into thin air, right?

SAM: Not really. Although now I think about it, it's not the first time it's happened.

PETE: Just another day at the office.

SAM: Yes.

PETE: Figures you should be used to it by now.

SAM: No, I mean, yes.

WRITERS: Cue Shippy Music 2.0!

S/J SHIPPERS: Noooooooooooo!

SLASHERS: Snack bar still open?

PEOPLE WHO HAVE TO CLEAN THE AUDITORIUM: No.

BDSMERS: [snicker]

PETE: Yes, as in?

SAM: Yes.

S/P SHIPPERS: Squee!

[PETE PULLS SAM CLOSE.]

S/P SHIPPERS: Super Sonic Squee!

PETE: Are you messing with me?

S/P SHIPPERS: Not in public, but just *wait* until you get her home.

SAM: No.

PETE: Which means?

SAM: Yes.

PETE: You don't need more time?

S/J SHIPPERS: She needs her head examined, that's what she needs.

SNIT: We've been saying that for ages.

SAM: No.

PETE: Therefore...

SAM: Yes.

[THEY HUG AND KISS.]

S/P SHIPPERS: [squee that only dogs can hear]

NOROMOS: We don't know about anyone else, but we're suffering from sugar overdose. And not from the snacks.

S/J SHIPPERS: We think we're going to be sick. And not from the snacks.

PEOPLE WHO HAVE TO CLEAN THE AUDITORIUM: [glare]

EXT. STREET

[TEAL'C IS PACKING BOXES IN HIS VEHICLE WHILE ERIC "HELPS" HIM, AND BREAKS STUFF. KRISTA ARRIVES ON THE SCENE.]

AUDIENCE: Um. Why isn't she in custody or something?

WRITERS: It was self-defense, remember?

AUDIENCE: There's this thing called a trial, remember that? The Trust has disappeared, along with the proof of who killed the boyfriend, and that it was self-defense. We're assuming Krista confessed, so Teal'c's off the hook, but that means Krista still needs to go through the judicial process. We only have The Trust's word that it was self-defense, and we don't think the Colorado Springs Police Department will be able to question them wherever they are.

WRITERS: [...]

KRISTA: So, you're really leaving.

TEAL'C: Indeed I am.

KRISTA: You know, you don't have to do this. The whole thing was my fault.

TEAL'C: There is no need to blame yourself.

AUDIENCE: Yeah, you just sorta accidently killed a guy, then ran off with Teal'c in tow. No blame for you, little chickie.

KRISTA: The men in the warehouse? I didn't know who they were. No one told me anything. But I know they were using me to get to you.

TEAL'C: If it had not been you, it would have been someone else. They would not hesitate to exploit any relationship to their advantage.

KRISTA: What did they want?

TEAL'C: That I cannot say.

KRISTA: Right. So, where are you going to go?

TEAL'C: Back to where I came from.

KRISTA: What does that mean?

CITIZENS OF CHULAK: [pointing to atlas] Found it! Mozambique.

TEAL'C: It means I must say goodbye.

[ERIC BRINGS OUT THE SICKLY FERN, SAYING THAT'S ALL THAT'S LEFT TO PACK. HE THEN SHOWS TEAL'C THE BOTTOM OF HIS SKATEBOARD, WHERE HE'S DRAWN A COPY OF TEAL'C'S TATTOO.]

TEAL'C: I am honored.

[TEAL'C CLOSES THE BACK OF THE VEHICLE, THEN GETS IN AND DRIVES OFF AS KRISTA AND ERIC WATCH.]

FADE OUT

CLOSING CREDITS

NEXT WEEK, COVENANT, IN WHICH THOR GETS HIS CLOSE-UP, SAM GETS TO PLAY SECOND FIDDLE TO A GUEST STAR AGAIN, AND SOMEONE NOTES THAT DANIEL IS A "NICE LOOKING YOUNG MAN."

DANIEL FANS: Well, of course they'd say that about Daniel. Just *look* at him. Dayum.

J/D SLASHERS: Look, but don't touch, or Jack will have to hurt you.

SNIT: Oh geez, a Sam-centric episode? We'll bring the snacks next week. We'll need lots of sugar and caffeine to stay awake.

THOR FANS: We'll bring some of the yellow ones.


End file.
